The Toilet Paper Linedance
(The Galah Performance)
Words and Music: Pat Drummond. Dateline: Cooma,
NSW
Linedancing, which has
taken Australia by storm in recent years, has also seriouslydivided
the country music dance fraternity. I noticed in Adelaide recently,
that some country music clubs are now physically segregating the
bootscooters from the 'two steppers' at socials, with barbed
announcements such as "All the linedancers on the Right...and all the
people who are attractive enough to have someone to dance with, on
the left." Described variously as 'folk dance for lemmings' and 'a
great social outlet for people who always wanted to be in the army',
bootscooting and Boot Camp do seem to have an awful lot in common.
Rigid conformity, the chance to wear a uniform and the total
elimination of individual expression mark the phenomenon. My feeling
is that the rise, both in The United States andAustralia, of such
regimented social behaviour, concurrent with the election of
reactionary political regimes, is a phenomenon which merits Hugh
Mackay's immediate attention. Personally, I was never all that big
on marching at school either.
I was camping down at Cooma at the old motel.
I went down to see the band at the RSL.
I came into the club and they were doing pretty
well;
everybody bopping and the dance floor full.
Chorus: Going step, slap, stepping back and shimmy
to the right.
Chassez to the left. Turn your chassis to the
right.
Going step, slap, step. It was apparent at a
glance.
They were all there to do the Linedance.
Suddenly I saw her as she stepped onto the floor;
tight black short dress she knew had done the
trick before.
She had a bust so low that you could damn near see
her drawers
and curves you couldn't cover in a '4x4'.
She knew that everybody was watching her
but it wasn't for the reason that she thought we
were.
The most amazing feature of her visual appeal;
she had a ten inch bit of toilet paper stuck onto
her heel.
Chorus: Going step, slap, stepping back and shimmy
to the right.
Chassez to the left. Turn your chassis to the
right.
Going step, slap, step. It was apparent at a
glance.
She'd invented the Toilet Paper Linedance.
Now where she picked the paper up I really
couldn't tell
but it was stuck on her stiletto like the chewing
gum from hell.
When she saw us watching she wiggled even more and
that crazy piece of paper went a poppin' round the floor.
I don't know if you folks have seen a
'bootscooting meet' but those bootscootin' fellahs never look down at
their feet.
The fellah right behind her trod upon it as it
whizzed past.
It came off of her heel and stuck on to his.
Chorus;
Then the lights went out in the middle of the
song.
The flame came up and the ode came on
and when the lights came back it was as I'd
feared.
The toilet paper had disappeared.
Now I guess you know what happened. It was really
quite amusing.
Two hundred people checking out the bottom of
their shoes
and the men checked the ladies and the ladies
checked the men
but we never saw that crazy piece of crepe again!
The moral of this story (and I'll say it out loud)
is watch where you're walking when your head is in the clouds!
It's all very well to be the centre of the crowd
but it ought to be for something that's going to
make you proud.
Politicians, supermodels, heavy metal bands, home
boys rapping in their big brothers pants;
think they're pretty cool but it's apparent at a
glance...they're doing the Toilet Paper Linedance!
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